Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
