So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
