You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I just cut my nipple shaving
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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