Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Randomize
