She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
