i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I didn't notice because vodka
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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