Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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