but the lizard people decide everything anyway
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
