There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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