I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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