last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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