We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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