Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
