Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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