Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
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