Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
