quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
