Are we in a gay sports bar?
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
