Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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