Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
