How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
