dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
