I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
