Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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