i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
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The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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