You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
