Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
