She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
