Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
