i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
All I want is dick and wine.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
