pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
