I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
