When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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