We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
