he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
