I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Terrible idea I love it
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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