also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
