Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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