i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
