I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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