Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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