Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Randomize
