Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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