Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
