She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
