im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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