I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
