I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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