Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize