I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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