I'm so fucking centered right now
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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