i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
