I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Randomize
