I want to make a zoo with you.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
