im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
So apparently I’m into choking now
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