I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
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