GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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