The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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